Ghosting. It's one of those slang, hip terms that get thrown around the Internet to describe cutting someone off from all forms of communication for whatever reason.
That reason never seems to be a good one, at least in my eyes.
So you meet someone and you click. Great! Cue the dating rules about how much time you should wait until calling/texting/messaging back and all that malarkey.
I say if you like someone, call them up and say so. Make plans. Spend time together. And if it all goes south, TELL THEM THAT.
There's a highly-cited New York Times article that attempts to ask people why they ghost them. After reading this article only one thing comes to mind:
Yes, I said it! Cowardice. A lack of courage to face danger, difficulty or opposition. Straight up cowardice. Ghosting is cowardice.
It's the easy way out. Don't fancy someone anymore? Instead of facing up to them and expressing how you feel, instead you run away and hide. Really?
What does that say about you if you can't put yourself in a potentially uncomfortable situation? Yes, telling someone you're no longer interested is definitely hard. But it's WAY better than leaving them hanging; wondering if you've been hit by a bus or abducted by extra-terrestrials.
Now you've got social media, messaging apps, walkie-talkie apps - you can even have a VOIP telephone number. There's a ton of ways to get in touch with someone.
All this bollocks about "oh, I'm not emotionally available to have this conversation" or "I didn't want to hurt their feelings" is just that: bollocks.
Ghosting is a conscious choice. Everything in this life is a series of choices. You choose to wake up and set about on your day. You choose what to eat, watch on Netflix; you choose who you spend your time with. It's all choices.
Not being emotionally available to tell someone that you're no longer interested is a cop-out. Choosing to disappear into oblivion says more about you than it does the other person.
We're all human beings on this earth who need connection with other human beings. So if it's not for you, then say so!
Ghosting doesn't just happen in personal relationships - it happens in the business world as well. Ever been to a job interview where you think you nailed it only to never hear from that company again?
Meet Jaina. She went on an interview with a well-known billion dollar cosmetics manufacturer. She says the interview was super-successful and was sure she'd get the job. She asked the recruiter flat out if she'd be told if she got the job or not and she was told yes, they'd let her know either way.
That was six months ago. Jaina hasn't heard boo from them at all. Now when she sees this particular brand, she runs the other way! Score one for negative brand association. This company has just lost a customer and countless more who've heard her story.
Don't you think a multinational brand would have the wherewithal to let a candidate know if they're successful or not? It's an email that says something along the lines of "Thank you for your interest but we're moving forward with someone else who matches our needs at this time".
It's not hard to send out these kinds of messages in the business world. We can colonize Mars but we can't tell a candidate that they're not a right fit for a job opening...? I'm channeling my inner Howard Beale right now - ghosting makes me "mad as hell and I'm not going to take it anymore!"
Can't the same be said for relationships? How hard is it to say to someone, I had a fun time but I'm not feeling it? What's so pee-in-your-pants about that?
I'm teaching my toddler how to use his words. Sometimes he has these rage-against-the-machine moments where I calmly say to him, "Use your words." He's learning how to say "happy" and "sad". If my toddler can express his feelings, I'm sure you as a grown-ass adult can do the same. Stop hiding behind the "I'm busy" front. No one is THAT busy.
You are emotionally available to say what's on your mind. You've just made a choice not to be.
Let the other person know where they stand. If you think for one second that ghosting won't hurt their feelings, think again. It's way more hurtful and just plain insulting if that other party is left out to dry; without any closure.
To deliberately hurt/ another human being is, in fact, a conscious choice. Be a part of a new day where we can really communicate with one other on a deeper level.
Say what's on your mind. You've got more strength and courage than you think you do.
It's no secret that I absolutely love coaching. I get such a kick out of watching clients have a moment where they realize that they had the answers to their problems all along. Plus it's a bonus that I've FINALLY found a vocation where I can truly be of service, make a difference and earn a dollar at the same time.
I believe coaching, at its core, is all about helping a client tap into their own inner resources so they can go from point A to B on their own terms. Every single one of us has an infinite amount of inner wisdom, knowledge & strength. Our minds (conscious, subconscious & unconsious) know more than we think we do.
Coaching is rooted in the present moment. It starts where you are with what you've got. It looks at your current belief systems; things you want to change; helps you get clear on the direction you want your life to go.
I help people process their feelings after particularly sticky breakups. My clients have a set journey in mind - they want to go from feeling like they've been hit in the heart with a sledgehammer to feeling peaceful and hopeful for the future.
I like to think of myself as a mirror. When a client comes to me and they tell me what they're feeling currently to what they want to feel, I reflect back to them what's on their minds and show them the bigger picture. I can't even begin to explain to you how invaluable this activity is. Seeing how you've got the ability to move yourself past your obstacles can change the way you perceive your life.
As much as I love coaching, I have no love for what the online entrepreneurial world calls coaching. It's not buying a program/course that promises the world if you follow these 'exact steps'. It's definitely not someone who appears to have a glowing online persona then treats you like shite in person because you're not at their 'level'. It's also not something where you get told that if you don't do as they do, you'll never be anything of value.
Ugh. This stuff drives me mad.
I'm proud to call myself a coach. I love watching people waking up to what's already inside of them.
You're not broken, by the way. You just need a time out from life to process what you're going through so you can emerge as a better version of yourself.
Not too long ago I watched a Jay Shetty video about how we're in a time where our relationship status is more important that the relationship itself.
Sadly, I have to agree. It's super-easy to swipe left or right, not call that person back even though you felt a spark or better yet, just sit alone and pine away for that connection to a special someone.
Relationships take real, actual work. Those shiny happy Instagram pictures don't just happen - there's got to be exchanges that happen behind the scenes.
So what happens when a relationship produces children and things start to go south? The key is to recognize what's actually going on between both parties. If things haven't been right for awhile now, are they really going to get better?
I'm a HUGE advocate of ending relationships that have run their course - especially when there's children involved. Staying together for the sake of the kids is complete bollocks. Your kids'll learn that their parents not getting along as they should is normal. No, that's anything but.
Is it really worth it to stay in a relationship where you're miserable all the time but fake a smile in front of the little ones? You owe it to yourself not to do that.
Besides, kids are incredibly perceptive. I had an 8-year-old tell once, "Mommy and Daddy hate each other and that's why they got a divorce." That, my friends, is a verbatim quote.
So let the relationship go. Sure, the romantic part may be over but remember this - if there's children involved, your relationship will now evolve. That other person is still going to be in your life forever, regardless if you move on to another romantic partner or not.
Co-parenting is possible even when the sight of your ex makes you want to dig out your own eye with a spoon. I should know - I'm going through this as we speak.
Your kids deserve a childhood filled with memories & experiences that won't make a therapist uber-rich.
Need help sorting out your feelings? I've got 2 client spots left this month. Click here for more details.
Recently I spoke to a client who was struggling to cope after her ex dumped her six months into the relationship. My client was devastated.
She truly believed this person was going to be a long-term fixture in her life. She described the breakup as something along the lines of "getting your heart ripped out of your chest".
Naturally she reached out to friends and family for support - only to receive an overwhelming chorus of "suck it up", "just get over it", blah, blah, blah.
Plus she was told to move on quickly because they'd only been together for six months and she shouldn't really be THAT upset.
Say WHAT?! People, let's get something fantastically clear right now. It doesn't matter if the relationship was 6 months, 6 days or 60 years. It still hurts.
Feelings are there no matter what and yes, they'll be affected regardless of how long the relationship was.
It's like saying if your grandmother dies it's no big deal but if it was your mother it's generally acceptable to grieve more for your mother as opposed to your grandmother.
Does this sound ludicrous & laughable to you? It sure does to me. A loss is individual to every person. The end of a relationship is a type of loss. Allow yourself all the time you need to grieve that loss.
No one can ever tell you how to feel at any given time, nor can they judge you for what they deem is an appropriate reaction to any situation.
YOU decide what's right for you. Period.
Need help through a heartbreak? Click here to discover how I can support you through this sticky time.
We know when it's time to go.
We just don't want to admit it to ourselves that the relationship has run its course.
All the signs are clearly there - the connection that seemed unbreakable (and probably was for a time) is showing irreparable cracks.
Every little thing is working your last nerve more than ever before. You feel loathing, regret, hurt and dread at the thought of spending another minute with your partner.
So why is it so bloody hard to just walk away?
Too often there's that fear of the unknown - fear of what life would be like without this other person.
What will they do without me you ask? They'll get up, do their thing and get on with life... you'll do the same thing too.
Will you be the one to pull the plug on a dying relationship?