Yesterday was my birthday and my son's birthday. It's hard to believe that just 2 short years ago I was laying in a hospital bed holding this tiny human to my chest wondering if the morphine haze would ever fade.
There's still parts of my son's birth I don't remember because of the anesthetics & painkillers. I do remember him peeing on the pediatricians - seeing that 2' stream made me so proud. I
What's clear as day is that thought that I was going to raise him by myself. I didn't know how or when but I couldn't shake that thought. I knew even then my marriage was over - I knew it before my son was born. I just didn't want to face it. I didn't want it to be true, even though it was. I had to go. I couldn't live with it anymore.
When you're the one to leave a relationship, it does hurt. You DO feel pain, heartache and sadness. I felt all of those things and more as I agonized over when I was going to leave. When I finally did, I shattered my husband's world. I knew it was inevitable but I had to. I had to burn down the forest we created together and start again from the ashes.
I grieved the end long before my husband did. It was absolutely tough with a newborn - the lack of sleep, eating well went out the window... having an inflamed pancreas and being hospitalized for 2 weeks didn't really help any. It had to be done. I had to start that forest fire. I had to end our marriage.
Oh, did those fires rage! The hurt, heated exchanges filled with hurtful words... those fires eventually fizzled out and in their wake, a new relationship was born. We now have to co-exist for our little boy. It's not easy and I still have to work at it every day.
I don't regret my decision for one moment. Sure, I'm a firestarter. I brought down pain & heartache on another person. I know for sure I did the right thing and we're all better for it in the end.